Thursday, July 29, 2004

still tired...

haven't slept for up to 30 hours now... and i still have classes for another 6 hours! but at least i'm done with assignments for now. right now, i'm typing this entry from the comfort of my university's library (well at least it's cold in here and its quiet).
anyway, i was just thinking about how i've changed from my days in secondary school. i don't really know how much i've changed. i don't even know if it's for better or worse. i'm hoping i could answer that question like a mechanics question. just figure out the forces acting and obtain the equilibrium. but life's not that simple (bear with me ok? i'm just typing my mind without filtering).
i still enjoy the same pleasures. a hot cup of coffee when it's raining. a good game of soccer. the smell of the forest after a heavy downpour. a glass of wine before bed time. the taste of belgian chocolate melting down my throat. a good laugh with my best friends. the feeling of her arms wrapped around me. the taste of her lips on mine. a good conversation. too many pleasures? i think it's still not enough.
although i still enjoy the above with the same passion as i did before, a strange feeling surrounds me whenever i think about my past. where has all the rage and fury gone? where is my hunger for excitement? my rebellious attitude? university life has dealt with all that. although i'm the same person, but my attitude towards life has changed. my mum says i'm maturing. is that so? well, if it is, i DON'T like it! i still need some zest in life, to feel the blood rushing through my veins, to feel my heart pounding against my chest.
i never really realized this until the last semester but i've suddenly became so overwhelmed with my studies that i'm starting to be a paranoid. afraid i'll screw up the next exam or test or even just a quiz. what has gotten into me? probably the setback i faced with my STPM results let me down. i've never seen my parents so angry...  
sure, there are the positive side. i've come to appreciate the people around me more. my family. my friends. i also had my priorities set, thought i'm not sure if its in the right order yet. but i'm still not satisfied. all those rage i had inside me last time is now turned against myself. always finding reason to be angry at myself. never satisified. never confident enough.
people always say phrases like "live your life to the fullest" and "no regrets". i say bullshit. all i can do is try my best and i have tried. but guess what? regrets haunt my dreams at night. maybe i'm being a tad bit emotional. that's what loneliness does to you. yes... loneliness....
i've been trying to adapt to university life ever since i stepped foot into this campus but i still can't. instead of blending in with the students, i've blended in with the environment. maybe it's me, maybe it's the students. well, ok, it must be me. everyone else seems to be doing ok. so where's the problem? there are some really nice people around, but its just not easy to let my guard down and mix in with the crowd. you know what i mean?
actually, after 3 semesters here, i've come to adapt to another attitude. instead of being rebellious, i just couldn't care what's going on around me. it causes me too many sleepless nights so i just overcame it by burying my face in my books. but that can only help for so long... what am i going to do when that doesn't work out either? this is one reason why i really do salute my friends who actually went overseas to pursue their studies. i don't know if my will power is strong enough to make that journey. this is another reason why i want to pursue my post graduate studies elsewhere. maybe gain enough courage to cross the south china sea? well, only time will tell.
anyway, i've gotta go now. need to help my friend out with his lab report. he should be coming over soon. and while waiting for him, i might be able to steal a nap which i need desperately. my ramblings for today will stop here. i know it's not something to impress people with, but with my new found attitude, i don't really care... it's my feelings and it' true from my heart... hahaha...  

4 comments:

WY said...

nicely said. well nic, i guess that's why matured people are lil boring and worrisome..haha..coz they got so much to worry about. don't feel too hard out on the fact u r blending into the environment instead of the crowd. two years here..i m still the environment, rather than the crowd. maybe us here in oversea like to find reclusion among smaller group of friends with similar predicament, ie fellow malaysians. some might be forced out of isolation or choose to 'blend' in. but then again..who cares. u should be happy coz finalyl u have overcome the single largest fear in human, society-paranoia. worry whether they look like others, behave like others...care too sick how ppl think of them..who they hang out with etc. fuck all that. a diamond will look like a diamond even in a pile of shit. maybe we gotta be patient for someone to find us. ;)

WY said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
NiC said...

hahaha... guess i'm not alone huh?

NiC said...

hey tomatoinc, sorry but i accidentally deleted one of your comments. but it's the clone of that comment which is still there. just wanna rectify the missing comment...